WHAT GOOD SKIPPERS DO AND DON’T DO
Don’t take yourself too seriously.
DEAR SKIPPER JENN
Much like Dear Abby, or my favorite, Dear Sugar, this newsletter series is about questions and answers. I invite sailors to e-mail me with their questions and I will do my best to pick and answer those that reflect topics and themes that are important to our community. All questions will remain anonymous.
Dear Skipper Jenn,
I am crew aboard a race boat with a Skipper who yells. He’s a super nice guy when we are at dock, then as soon as we get out on the water he is constantly swearing at the crew. He tends to single a couple of us out and shouts out obvious and repetitive orders the whole race. At the end of the day, he acts like nothing has happened and we crack beers and laugh. People shrug it off and say, “It’s just him,” but it annoys me and sometimes really upsets me because he calls names on occasion. What should I do?
Dear My Skipper is a Yeller,
Oh boy, I think many of us have sailed with this guy at one point or another. What always fascinates me is not just the yelling, but how the whole group puts up with it and enables it. This is not effective teamwork; your Skipper needs help. Let’s start with some basic framework of why some Skipper’s yell and what really good Skippers and teams do.
People generally yell when they are overwhelmed, scared, or have no other skill sets. I know on a boat, sometimes volume has to go up to be heard over the wind and conditions. I also know sometimes shit goes sideways and volume goes up and we swear when surprised. We all need a little wiggle room for acting like an ass out there, it happens. When yelling or aggression happens, a good team talks about it and does necessary repair and revision for the next race.
Calling names, belittling, being condescending or the like has no room on a boat if you want to perform well. I’m not talking about how I like to playfully bro talk with my friends, giving them shit like, “Hey asshat, pass the winch handle.” I’m talking about the aggressive tone when yelling, “Grab the fucking winch handle asshole, what the fuck are you doing?!” Not okay. All this does is create tension and stress, reducing focus and crew performance. I have seen crews run for years under this model, allowing one person to be mean and writing it off as a character trait. Over time, it creates resentment. These teams don’t tend to keep new members long. The long-term members tend to be interpersonally dysfunctional. I hope this isn’t your team, but if it is, you need some deeper reflection on your situation than a blog post can provide.
Positive reinforcement is how people motivate. People also learn best from example, actions speak louder than words. If you want your team focused and cohesive, a good Skipper models calm and confidence with clear communication and encouragement. This isn’t just communication in the heat of a race, but before and after the race. In fact, really good Skipper’s and excellent teams go over safety, the course, conditions, strategy, roles, suggestions, and intentions before a race. During the race, it should be more about the conditions, tactics, and boat handling. After the race, a good Skipper goes over what went well and worked. They give appreciation for the crew and their efforts, giving specific examples of what each person excelled in. Then they go over what didn’t go well or was a mistake, they allow room for crew collaboration and problem solving. The whole team discusses what they can do differently the next time to be even better, and my favorite Skippers say, “What can I do to support you all better next time?” They know that even if you are friends, there is still a power differential with the role, and most likely ownership of the boat. They compensate for that by actively seeking feedback.
My Skipper is a Yeller, what does this mean for you? As I see it, you have several choices on how to address this situation. .
1. Leave the team. Find another boat. Vet a new Skipper with leadership skills you vibe with.
2. Stay on this team and do nothing. Shift your perspective that your Skipper is unskilled in this way and learn to cope. Understand that this is on him, not you. You will have to learn to tune him out and shrug it off. You can always go with an internal sassy or inappropriate remark—although with perimenopause I have found those sometimes inadvertently come out of my mouth in audible tones, so I’m not sure how helpful that tactic is over time and with lack of estrogen from aging.
3. Talk with your teammates. Ask them about this behavior. Ask if it bothers them. Sometimes folks need comradery to challenge authority. You most likely are not the only one noticing this, but you might be the first one to speak to it. You could discuss addressing this together as a team. Good team cohesion is knowing you have each other’s back and can talk about hard things. I’m not advising gossip here. I hate gossip. What I am saying is going to someone you trust and saying, “Hey, how do you feel about our Skipper’s communication tactics on the water.” Give a concrete example, how it made you feel, and what you would like to be done differently. Then see what your teammate says and if you can collaborate a plan on how to bring the Skipper into the conversation or cope with it differently on the water. I’m not advising venting behind your Skipper’s back. Venting can be helpful, but not with your team, that is going to cause tension and triangulation. You can vent to another friend or your therapist if you need to.
4. Go to the Skipper directly. If he’s such a nice guy, you can appeal to that part of him. Have a phone call or hang out with him. Start with what you like about the boat and his leadership, emphasize the strengths and why you are a part of his team. Then ask if he would like some feedback on his Skipper skills on the water. This is critical. If you ask for consent on this, he can’t be pissed at you for going there, even if he doesn’t like the critique. If he says yes, approach it like above. “I notice that when we are on the water you often raise your voice, and it seems like yelling to me. Sometimes the wording you use is harsh, like when you said, ‘Dave, don’t be a dumbass.’ Sometimes you yell at me to do things I am already doing, and it distracts me from my task. I get confused because in those moments, I feel like you don’t trust me, or I am doing something wrong. Then at the end of the day, you tell me what a good job we did.” You start with clear observations with as little judgement as possible. Add how you felt about these experiences. Now here is the kicker, you get to state a need and make a request. “I was hoping we could talk about this and find a different way to navigate boat handling and tactics on the water. I need more encouragement and less criticism when we are sailing.”
Without knowing your exact situation, I have tried to outline the best and worst leadership skills, with tactics to address them. As everything in life, and especially on the water, it is contextual and individual on how you navigate it. With that said, a general lay line for good leadership is: don’t yell and call your crew names. Remember, we do all this for fun.
FROM WOMEN WHO SAIL NEWSLETTER | ISSUE 4. | NOVEMBER 2020.
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Skipper jenn
Jenn Harkness is a human being, artist, coach, therapist, writer, friend, mermaid, student of life and lover of all shine and sparkle. She is also Editor-in-Chief of the WWS Newsletter. You can find more of my writing over at skipperjenn.com. While I am a mental health counselor and life coach, and have expertise on human behavior and social dynamics, this series is not intended to be mental health treatment. If you are struggling, please seek personal professional help. Everyone needs support sometimes, being human is weird, complicated and can be hard. May we all sail in peace.